Ask Gabriel: Dating and Books

Ask Gabriel is an advice column series where you can get your questions answered about being transgender, coming out, changing your name, hormones, sexuality, representation, dating, etc. These are questions that have been submitted to me by transgender and nonbinary people! You can read my last column here.

Hi Gabriel,

Do you have any advice for intra-community dating? I think for now I am only interested in dating other trans people, at least while I am early in transition. Since the community is so small IRL, I’m worried that if I dated someone and we had a bad breakup, I wouldn’t feel comfortable going to trans events (support groups, etc.) for fear of seeing them. – Anonymous

Dating is more or less the same. You just get out there, indulge in your interests, attend events geared towards transgender folks and just let everything take its natural course. The only big difference is that once you reach a certain point in the relationship, communication is crucial – especially when it comes to having sex where you need to establish boundaries of what is and what is NOT allowed be to touched.

That being said, there’s no need to rush trying to find someone; forming bonds takes time and even if you don’t click with someone on a romantic level, at least you made some friends that might introduce you to other awesome transgender people. And in the chance that you and someone date for a while and break up, it won’t be awkward in going to transgender events because people are there to celebrate our accomplishments, give support and make friends and not indulge in drama that doesn’t involve them. And if they do indulge, it’s best to look elsewhere for support because that’s just bullying.

Good luck and be safe out there!

Hi Gabriel,

Should I change family doctors or stick with it?

I went to my doctor to hopefully begin the process of starting T. Rather than really talking with me he’s referring me to a gender specialist. A few friends have suggested I change doctors, ideally to someone who’s worked with trans people before. But there are few doctors (one possible) in my city who have (despite it being a big city), and commuting to Toronto for it is a 2ish hour commute… I’m just not sure how I should go about this. – Anonymous

Well it would depend on what’s comfortable for you. But if I was given those circumstances, I would take the long commute over sticking with your doctor because of the potential gatekeeping. Getting referred to an endocrinologist to start hormones  would depend on what this gender specialist thinks and they might think I am NOT ready for whatever reason. In any case, I would call those doctors and ask about their experience with treating other transgender people, how much and how their process works before making a decision. Whatever you choose, make sure it is an informed choice!

Hi Gabriel,

Do you know any fiction books written by trans/nb people about trans/nb people? (Ideally fantasy or scifi) – Anonymous

Here are a few suggestions:

George by Alex Gino
If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo
Nevada by Imogen Binnie
She’s My Dad by Iolanthe Woulff
Bad Boy by Elliot Wake

Got a question for Gabriel? Submit them here and they will be answered in a future post!

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